Confession
by BrenRenQoI
Summary: Missing Scene:  Divide and Conquer
1. Chapter 1

Confession

By Bren Ren

"And then what happened?" Anise coaxed.

"Suddenly, I knew why he wouldn't leave me," Sam replied. She swallowed once, hard.

"Why?" Anise was determined to drag every drop of truth from her this time.

Sam looked over towards Colonel O'Neill before continuing, her eyes locked with his. "Because I knew he cared about me to much to leave me there to die, alone." She held his eyes a moment longer than was comfortable for anyone in the small room before she turned her gaze back into the machine.

"How did that make you feel?" Anise pushed one more time.

"Guilty. And sad." Sam blinked as the memory flashed before her in Technicolor vividness. "I didn't want him to die because of me." Sam stared hard into the machine, silently willing it to register the truth in her statements, hoping it wouldn't require her to bare her anguished heart any further.

Anise, along with everyone else, stared at the machine as the indicators began to slide downward. "You are also not a za'tarc," she finally declared. Sam breathed out in a measured sigh. The colonel hurried over to her, releasing her from the restraints.

As she stood, she screwed up her courage to meet her commander in the eye. "Sir, none of this has to leave this room," she blurted out hurriedly. In spite of never being much of one for religion, Sam sent out a quick prayer that he would simply agree with her for a change.

Jack glanced back and forth across the room before he replied. "And we're… okay with that?"

Sam nodded just as the doors opened, preventing any further discussion. Jack half shrugged his shoulders, as though needing to physically shake off the events of the past half-hour. He then turned his attention to the matter at hand—the real za'tarc, who at that very moment was on a mission to kill the president.


	2. Chapter 2

Jack drove Sam home after Martouf's memorial service. She was utterly exhausted; he could see it written all over her face and in every nuance of her body language. Little wonder, he thought, after what they'd been through the past forty-eight hours or so.

When they arrived at Sam's house, she tentatively invited him inside. He acquiesced gracefully, and they went in. Sam led Jack into her living room and sat down on her couch; Jack followed suit.

"Thanks for the lift, Sir," Sam told him after a quiet moment.

"Anytime, Carter." Jack was just grateful that she had invited him to stay with her; he needed to see first hand that she was okay. Sam sat quiet for a little while, and Jack started to get antsy.

"Would you like some coffee, Sir?" 

"Sure," he replied easily.

Sam got up and went into the kitchen, setting about the busy work of fixing a pot of coffee for the two of them. She came back to the living room a few minutes later with two steaming mugs. She passed one to Jack, who had found the remote control for her tv and was channel surfing.

"Anything interesting on?" she asked.

"There's a documentary on tornadoes on the weather channel. And a documentary on earthquakes on another channel. And a documentary on world war one on the history channel… and…"

Sam smiled. "Go ahead and put the game on, Sir." Those were the magic words he was waiting for; at the push of a couple of buttons, a hockey game was on.

"Thanks." Jack smiled warmly at her. "Didn't think you liked hockey."

"Not usually, but it's about perfect for today. It doesn't make me think. I need to not think for a little while." Sam finished her statement with a sigh.

Jack continued to smile gently. "Well, you sit there not thinking for a while, then. Take it easy, get some rest. The usual doctor's orders."

Sam sighed again. "It was all I could do to convince Janet to let me go home. In the end, I think she only agreed because of you."

"You just need a little time to rest and process. I get it."

"I appreciate the company, Sir. I really didn't want to be completely alone just yet." Sam was surprised to here herself admit that particular need.

"No problem. 'Specially since your letting me watch my game," he finished with a grin.

Sam sat down on the couch near Jack, sipping her warm coffee. She tried following the game for a bit, but the flying puck was so hard to track she found herself dizzying with the effort. She decided to rest her eyes for a few minutes.

The next thing she knew, she was waking up, her head resting on Jack's shoulder. She sat up with a yawn, stretching her legs out in front of her.

"You awake?" Jack asked.

Sam blinked a couple of times trying to focus her vision. "Yeah," she said, then promptly yawned. "Sorry, Sir. Didn't mean to fall asleep on you."

"Don't think anything of it." Jack picked up the remote and turned off the tv, the hockey game having long since ended. Jack stretched out his legs and arms, choking back an answering yawn.

"You look a bit tired, Sir. Why don't you head home?" 

"You sure you'll be okay?"

"Yeah. I'm feeling better for the rest. Like you said, I just need some time to… process." Sam picked up her coffee mug and took a sip of the now-cold drink. She grimaced. "Definitely not fond of cold coffee!"

"Me either. I think the pot's still on, if you want some more."

"Yeah, I think I will." Sam stood up and went into the kitchen. "You want one more for the road?" she called out to Jack.

"Sure, why not?" he called back.

Sam reappeared moments later with two fresh mugs of the hot brew. She passed one back to Jack as she sat back down beside him. "So… who won?"

"We did. Kicked their smarmy bums all over the ice." Jack grinned as he spoke.

"Sir… before you go… there's something I wanted to talk to you about." Sam held on tightly to her cup, trying to draw some semblance of strength from its heat.

"Okay." Jack was on full alert; she had his undivided attention.

"You were ready to die for me again, with the za'tarc testing device." Jack blinked a couple of times, but that was as close as she'd get to him admitting she was right on this. "You can't do that. I can't let you keep doing that."

"Carter… your mind's a hell of a lot more valuable than mine. I made a command decision to take the risk of treatment."

"You still shouldn't have been willing to go through it because of me. I am no more or less valuable than you are. I don't want you to die for me." Sam was so very nervous at his lack of response that she found herself babbling on. "Look, I know we said we could leave everything we said back in that room… but I really need to be clear on a couple of things. I'm not willing to make any compromises in my career. I love my job, I love our team, and I wouldn't ever want to do anything to jeopardize either one. And I know you'd never let me. Just as I can't let you sacrifice yourself to save me, I know you won't let me make that sacrifice either."

"I would never let you sacrifice your career. And I'm not about to lose you on the team. You are too important to the team." Jack's face was resolute, brokering no room for argument—not that she was about to give any. Her place on the team was of paramount importance to her.

"Thank you, Sir. I appreciate that, I really do." Sam heaved a sigh of relief. The worst was over, she thought.

"Now there's something I need to make clear." Jack's eyes were fiercely determined. "I would lay my life down for you, or Daniel, or Teal'c any day. It's part of my job to protect you guys, and I intend to do it to the best of my ability, regardless of the personal risks."

"I understand, Sir. As long as you'd do the same for Daniel and Teal'c, I guess I can learn to live with that." Sam took a long sip of her coffee.

"There's nothing I wouldn't do for my team," Jack said softly.

Sam let the silence stretch between them. It wasn't uncomfortable silence, and it continued on for a while companionably. Finally, Sam screwed up her courage one last time. 

"There's just one last thing I want to be clear on, Sir…" Sam trailed off, nervous about where the conversation was about to go. She cleared her throat, screwed up her courage, and spoke. "If the regs weren't an issue… if the team weren't an issue, either… if our lives were different… things between us would be… different."

"Different," Jack echoed. "Yeah, they would be different. We wouldn't be sitting here saying goodbye to something that never had a chance to begin in the first place."

Sam swallowed hard against a rather large lump forming in the back of her throat. "Sir, I just want you to know… you're very important to me. Our working relationship is very important to me."

"It's important to me, too," Jack said quietly. "If it's the only relationship we can have, we should make the most out of it." 

"I agree, Sir." Sam braved a small smile, but it was nothing like the million megawatt beams she had graced him with in the past. It broke Jack's heart anew to see it, and know that he had caused the pain behind it, however good his intentions might have been.

Jack finished the last of his coffee and set the empty mug down on the small table beside the couch. "I think it's time I took my leave," he said finally.

Sam stood with him and walked him to the door in silence. Just before she could open it, though, Jack stopped her with a hand to her shoulder.

"I wish things could be different," he said, surprising her with his admission.

Sam nodded. "I wish things could be different, too." She kept her voice low so it wouldn't crack and betray her roiling emotions. It came out soft and husky, and the sexiness of it almost had Jack saying 'to hell with it all' and kissing her right then and there. He just nodded his head, instead, not trusting his own voice. He turned back round to the door and Sam opened it for him.

"Daniel was suggesting a team night before I left. Think tomorrow would be good?" 

"Sounds great, Sir. Wouldn't miss it." Sam managed to smile for him then, a fairly brilliant beam which made his heart tumble over itself for a moment.

"Tomorrow it is, then." Jack turned and walked out the door. "Take care of yourself in the meantime, Carter. That's an order." 

"Yes, Sir." She offered him a salute, which he returned instantly. She smiled one last time before closing the door. Alone with her thoughts at last, she turned and walked back into the now all too empty living room. She sighed heavily, the burden on her heart almost unbearable.

There had been the hint of an unspoken promise in their dialogue, and she wondered how much she dared hope it had been real. There was a part of her, a growing part, which wanted nothing more than to run after him and confess her undying love, but that just wasn't her style. Besides that, they had jobs to do, a country to serve, and a planet to protect. Until such time as they had a guaranteed defense against the world's enemies, their personal lives would have to wait.

It was going to be a long, lonely wait, she thought sadly.


	3. Chapter 3

Sam woke up with tears streaming down her face. She'd had that dream again… or rather, nightmare. They were stuck behind that damn force shield, unable to move, to touch, to do anything but stare helplessly, knowing they were about to die.

She rubbed her eyes with the backs of her hands as she sat up and glanced at the clock. Too early to be awake, too late to go back to sleep, she thought wryly. She got up anyway.

She dragged herself into the kitchen and started a pot of coffee brewing. She figured she may as well get in to work early; there was always plenty to do there to keep her mind occupied.

Sam knew exactly what had prompted the dream this time. It had been weeks since the incident had actually happened, but the za'tarc testing machine had gotten her mind whirling in that direction.

They were stuck there, frozen there indefinitely, an invisible wall the only thing standing between them. She thought it was an appropriate metaphor for where they were in real life: stuck behind the invisible wall of regulations and duty. She was getting awfully tired of waiting for a "someday" to come when they could be together, the way she really wanted, deep down.

Sam sighed as she fixed her coffee. She padded back down the hallway to her room and began pulling out clothes to get dressed. She sipped her hot brew, savoring the warmth that almost erased the chill that had seeped into her bones the moment she'd awoke.

A hot shower, that's what she needed, she decided. She grabbed the jeans and t-shirt she'd pulled out and walked into her bathroom. She turned the faucet on as hot as she could stand it, then shed her clothes and stepped into the steamy downpour.

The water felt great, and she savored the heat as it began to slowly wipe out that annoying chill. She scrubbed herself clean, every last inch, twice, then shampooed her hair. After rinsing out the suds, she scrubbed her face hard, wanting to make sure to erase any trace of the tears she'd awoken with.

After she was all done scrubbing and rinsing and savoring heat, she turned off the water and stepped out, grabbing a towel and rubbing herself dry. She quickly donned the clothes she brought in and went back to her room. She busied herself with making her bed, putting away her pajamas, and tidying up the only slightly messy room. After a few minutes, there was nothing left for her to do but to go into work.

Sam sighed once more, knowing that going into work meant going in and facing Jack. She wasn't sure how to do that, not while she was still feeling so vulnerable and raw with emotions. She hoped she'd be able to lock herself away in her lab for a while to get good and distracted from feeling… feelings.

A short while later, Sam was neck deep in parts of the za'tarc machine. Anise/Freya had left one for their own studies, and Sam was actively taking her frustrations out on the device. The first thing Sam had done was to dismantle as much of the device as she could, which was a considerable amount. She figured the guys at Area 51 would be having a bit of a conniption fit when they saw the progress she had made, as they always wanted to be the first ones to break down a new piece of technology. But Sam had some issues with this particular piece that she needed to resolve before she could continue on with any other work. Sam was just starting to get into a good rhythm when Jack stopped in her lab. She groaned inwardly at the interruption, but her face was schooled into a careful smile.

"Whatcha doin', Carter?" Jack's voice was tinted with a bit of apprehension, though whether that was over her current activities or yesterday's near meltdown, she couldn't say.

"Just giving the boys at Area 51 something to complain about." Sam held back a sigh. "I wanted to get a head start understanding how this device works. It's quite fascinating the way the controls interface with the—"

"Aack! No need to go into details with me," Jack told her firmly. He paused a moment, assessing her, making her want to squirm beneath his gaze. Sam was no first-year cadet, though, and she held herself absolutely still waiting for Jack to continue. "Hey, are you all right? After yesterday…"

Jack trailed off, and Sam gave him a moment to continue. When he obviously wasn't going to, Sam finally spoke. "I'm fine, Sir. Yesterday has come and gone. As has Martouf, and so many others before him. I'll mourn his loss, but it can't stop me from continuing the fight."

Jack nodded quietly, seeming satisfied with her answer. Sam silently prayed to whatever god may be listening that he'd leave it at that. He did. "All right. Well… we have a debriefing in…" Jack paused as he checked his watch. "About an hour. Make sure you're there on time."

"I will be, Sir. Especially if you let me get back to work." Sam finished that statement with a smile, and although it didn't quite reach her eyes, it appeared to be enough to finish convincing him that she was okay. If only she could convince herself as easily, she mused to herself.

Jack left her lab without another word, and Sam went back to work on the machine. She almost had it completely dismantled before it was time to go to the meeting.

The debriefing was long and excruciating, and quite possibly one of the biggest wastes of two and a half hours of her life that she'd ever undertaken. Most of it had concerned details of the President's meeting with the Tok'ra high council, some had dealt with Martouf's death and its aftermath, and the rest had delved into Sam's progress with the za'tarc testing device. Fortunately, none of it had concerned the confessions elicited from Sam and Jack regarding the inappropriate feelings that had developed between them. Thanking God for small miracles, Sam left the debriefing to pack up the machine to send to Area 51, as per her most recent orders from General Hammond.

Much to her dismay, Jack followed her to her lab, auspiciously to help her pack. She'd tried to blow off his offer to help, but he was most insistent. She imagined he was as glad as she to see the last of that particular piece of advanced technology.

"So… I don't know about you, but I for one won't be sorry to see that thing gone," Jack said, making Sam wonder if he'd been reading her mind.

"Me either, Sir." Sam was keeping her replies as brief as possible, hoping he'd feel the lack of welcome and leave. She really didn't need his company right now. As raw as she still felt, it was the last thing she wanted, actually. Realizing that, she sighed. This whole situation just plain sucked.

"Penny for your thoughts," Jack said.

"Hmm?" Sam asked.

"Your thoughts. Penny for them. In fact, make it a dime. Inflation, you know." The slightly lame joke earned him a small smile, one that almost reached her eyes.

Sam wondered how honest she dared be with him. "Just thinking about how to pack this stuff up, Sir." She finally settled for subtle evasion, hoping he'd not push it.

He didn't. He just grabbed the nearest packing crate and started gathering up various bits of za'tarc detritus.

"Careful with that, Sir. They'd be awfully upset if we broke something." Sam took a rather delicate piece from him, their hands accidentally brushing together. A wave of electricity shot through her, starting at her hand, ripping all the way through every inch o of her body, and ending in her feet. She had to fight her instinct to jump back.

Jack seemed completely unfazed by the contact. He simply moved to grab another piece of the equipment strewn across the table. He carefully picked up another piece, setting it in the crate with far more caution than before.

"Sir, really, I can take care of this. I'm sure you have more important things to do."

"If I didn't know better, Carter, I'd think my company was unwelcome." Jack stopped packing and looked carefully at her. "You don't want my company." It wasn't a question, and Sam couldn't bring herself to deny it. "All right. I'll leave you to your packing. If you change your mind, I'll probably be getting my ass kicked by Teal'c in the gym." He left before Sam had a chance to form an answer.

So much for this not affecting their working relationship, Sam thought. So not good. If she didn't get a grip on this pretty quick, she may as well put in for that transfer to another team. Since that was exactly what she was trying to avoid, she figured she'd better start processing those conflicting feelings a lot faster.

That evening, SG1 was gathered at Jack's house enjoying a team night in. They'd watched a movie together and played a couple of rounds of poker, and Jack was currently working in the kitchen, busy putting away the dirty dishes with Teal'c's help. Sam and Daniel were in the living room watching a fire crackle in the fireplace when Daniel decided to broach the subject of Sam's obvious distraction.

"So, Sam… you've hardly said a word all evening…" Daniel's face was the picture of a concerned friend.

"Sorry, Daniel. A lot has happened the past few days. I guess I'm still processing." Sam hoped Daniel wouldn't press her, but she held no such luck tonight. Much like their poker games, she mused. She'd lost quite a bit to the Colonel that night, in more ways than one.

"Come on, Sam. It's obvious you need to get something off your chest." Daniel was in one of his more persistent moods, apparently.

"It's obvious?" Sam asked, taken aback.

"Well, to those of us paying attention, it is. I know Martouf's death has got to be weighing on you," he said astutely.

"Yeah, that's definitely a big part of it. I'm the one who took the kill shot, after all."

"It's not like you had much choice." Daniel's voice was very sympathetic.

"I know. Small consolation, though."

"There's something more, isn't there?" Yes, Daniel was definitely in a persistent mood tonight. When Sam didn't answer, he pressed on. "It wouldn't have anything to do with that retesting on the za'tarc machine, would it?" Sam glanced away, leaving Daniel to surmise that he was on the right track. "You know you can tell me anything, don't you?"

"Of course… It's just…not something I care to discuss."

"Something personal?"

"You could say that." Sam really didn't want to divulge the details of either her or Jack's confession.

Daniel, however, was far too persistent for his own good tonight. "Something personal… between you and Jack." Sam blinked, glancing away once more.

"Anyone ever tell you you're too smart for your own damn good?" Sam's voice was tinted with irritation.

"My parents used to tell me that all the time when I was a kid. So it is something between you and Jack." Sam refused to say a word. "I see. You know, it's perfectly understandable. Natural even, after working as closely together as we all have the last few years." Daniel sighed at Sam's continued silence, but he continued on undeterred. "I know you and Jack have grown pretty close. We're all close, much closer than any normal military team. Probably because we're not exactly a traditional military group. I'm sure that must make things… challenging for you two." Sam still maintained her silence. "It's okay, Sam. You don't have to tell me the details… I just want you to know, I'm here for you if you ever want to talk."

"Thank you, Daniel. I appreciate it. I really do." Sam sighed and rubbed her eyes with one hand. "It's just been a really tough couple of days. I'll be fine once I have a chance to sort everything out up here," she said, tapping her head with one finger.

Daniel stood up and stretched out his limbs. "I think I'll go see if Jack and Teal'c need any help finishing up. Can I get you anything?" 

"I'm fine." Sam turned her attention back to the fire. Daniel made a quiet exit to the kitchen.

"Hey, Jack… How's it going in here?"

"Just finishing up." Jack closed up the dishwasher before turning to face Daniel. 'Can I get you something, maybe some coffee for the road?"

"That sounds great," Daniel replied. "Hey, Teal'c, why don't you keep Sam company for a few… There's something I need to discuss with Jack."

"Very well, Daniel Jackson." Teal'c bowed slightly before leaving the room.

"What's up?" Jack's expression was quite curious.

"Well, I'm not sure if you've noticed, but Sam's been awfully quiet tonight." 

"Yeah, I kinda noticed when she didn't balk at losing her proverbial shirt in the game tonight." Jack turned his attention to fixing a pot of coffee.

"Yeah… I tried to talk to her, but I couldn't get much out of her. Maybe you should try."

"I talked to her this morning. She's just got a lot to process. Marty's death is really eating at her, I think."

"It's more than that, and I think you know it." Daniel was in a very insistent mood tonight, Jack realized.

"What makes you say that?" Jack pulled out a couple of mugs as he waited for the coffee to finish brewing.

"It was something Sam said… or rather, wouldn't say… about your za'tarc retesting." Daniel wondered how hard he was going to have to push Jack.

"Hey, if she doesn't want to talk, I doubt I can make her, even if I ordered her to." Jack turned around to face Daniel. "Just what is it you want me to do?"

Daniel sighed. "Just be there for her, Jack. She's hurting."

It was Jack's turn to sigh. "I know. You have no idea how much I wish I could fix it." The coffee maker stopped burbling, the signal that the brew was ready to pour. Jack filled the mugs and passed one to Daniel.

Even though it was quite hot, Daniel made quick work of finishing the drink. "I think I'll get Teal'c and take him back to the base."

"All right." Jack set his mug back down on the counter before following Daniel back to the living room.

Teal'c was sitting in silence beside Sam on the couch. "Hey, Teal'c, you ready to head back to base?" Daniel asked.

Teal'c inclined his head towards the archaeologist. "Indeed."

"Let's head out, then." Daniel fetched his jacket from the coat rack near the door. "I'll see you tomorrow, Sam," he called out to her. She hadn't moved from her seat on the couch, and only nodded in acknowledgement.

"Bye, Jack. Remember what I said," Daniel said as he left.

Jack walked back into the living room and stoked the fire in the fireplace, adding a couple of logs. "And then there were two," he said quietly. He turned around to see Sam staring absently at the fire. "Hey, you okay?"

"Why does everyone keep asking me that when it's so obvious I'm not?" Sam's voice betrayed a hint of annoyance.

"All right… Is there anything I can do?"

"I don't see what. We've already talked this thing to death. Nothing's changed. It can't and it won't." Sam's voice was now filled with weary resignation.

Jack crossed over to the couch, and he sat down beside her. "I'm sorry, Sam," he said softly.

"So am I." Sam could barely keep her voice from cracking; it came out low and husky.

Jack looked at her, watched her watching the fire for a long quiet moment. Then he lifted an arm and moved it around her shoulders. "C'mere," he said gently.

Sam allowed herself to be pulled into his embrace. A slight sob escaped her lips and she buried her head in the crook of his neck. Jack's other arm came around to fully embrace her, and before she knew what was happening, she found herself literally, silently crying on his shoulder.

"It's all so damned unfair," she sobbed after a while.

"I know," Jack said in what he hoped was a reassuring tone.

Sam continued to cry silently for a while longer. Not a sound escaped save her ragged breathing. Jack made shushing noises, unable to say anything more himself for fear he'd say the wrong thing and upset her further. After a long while, her sobs died down. Her breathing slowed to normal, and she finally lifted her head off his shoulder. He let one arm drop back down to his lap.

"I'm sorry, Sir," she said quietly. "That's not something I normally do."

"I know," he replied.

Sam took a deep breath, then slowly let it out. "Thank you."

"Anytime." Jack took a good long look at her in the waning firelight. Even with her eyes puffy from crying, she was still the most beautiful woman he'd had the honor of knowing. "Feel better?"

Sam smiled, and for the first time since the whole za'tarc nightmare began, it reached her eyes. "Actually, yes, I do."

"I'm glad. It's worth the wet shirt, then." Jack offered her a smile of his own.

Sam stretched her legs out, and Jack finally lifted his arm from her shoulders. She felt a little cold suddenly, and a shiver ran down back. "I think I'm going to head home, Sir." She stood up and headed towards the door; Jack followed suit.

"Thanks again." 

"And again, anytime. If you ever need a shoulder to lean on, just call. I'll be there in a heart beat."

Sam smiled brightly for him then. She grabbed her jacket off the rack and put it on.

"Have a good night, Major." 

"You too, Colonel. See you bright and early." She turned away from him and opened the door. Just as she walked out, Jack stopped her with a hand on her shoulder.

"I mean it, Sam. Anytime you need me, I'll be there."

"I know," she said, and then she turned and left as Jack closed the door behind her.


End file.
